"I have work. Then a dinner thing, and then I am busy trying to become who I am." - Hannah, Girls

Sunday, October 2, 2016

I cried in the park today and i don't give a shit

Last night I ate a lot of food. A lot of food. No matter what I ate, I still felt hungry. A year ago that would have upset me much more than it does right now. (progress)

I was walking in the park today, and since I ate a lot of food, I HAD to use the bathroom right then and there. So, I found a random porta-potty next to a playground and a baseball field. It wasn't too gross. There was 2 ply toilet paper! Wow! But when I grabbed the toilet paper, a moth came flying out and attacked my face. But whatever.

I wiped and kept walking. I decided to call my mom, which I tend to do on my walks these days. Every time I've called, I've wanted to tell her how I've been feeling. But our talks are normally just life updates and funny stories. 

But today, I finally told her that I'm angry. I was crying and walking and playing Pokemon Go. I could feel my sweat and face astringent dripping into my eyes. I hoped people thought my face was puffy and red from running, and then I realized that I didn't really care.

I was crying, but I wasn't sad. 

Last year, I was sad. Last year I was sad about the all the guilt and anxiety that food and exercises caused. I was skinnier but sad and confident but terrified. This year I'm pissed off.

I pissed off because I'M GREAT. I'm fun and nice. I work 3 (kind of) minimum wage jobs even when I don't have to. I'm involved on campus. I can run a half marathon. I have a kick ass family. I'm a girl of average weight and decent looks and I'm healthy AND FUNNY. GOD DAMMIT I'M FUNNY AND HEALTHY AND FUN AND NICE.

I'm mad because I literally do not know how to become a better person. I am my best self and I still feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I deserve a fucking break. After everything I have done over the past two years to finally feel okay about myself I deserve fucking break. Granted, I could be more social and put myself out there more. But god dammit I'm awesome, and I'm mad no one can see that. 

But I'm also happy that I am so sure of myself these days. Better to be certain than sad I guess. (more progress)

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