"I have work. Then a dinner thing, and then I am busy trying to become who I am." - Hannah, Girls

Monday, August 29, 2016

My Life is A Sitcom, I Just Need A Laugh Track

Let me breakdown who I have lived with in my new apartment:

This is ShayBayBay and me. I got to the apartment on June 1st when our lease started. ShayBayBay had been here taking classes. Shay is on the right, and is very excited to finally live in her own home. She had been squatting for a while. I am on the left, and feel at ease. Chaos has not yet occurred, and I am living with someone I have already shared a small dorm room with. Everything is amazing.

Laura moves in. She is a 65-year-old woman who is deathly allergic to cats and smells like cigarettes. She is visiting her daughter, but cannot live with her because CATS. Laura decided to essentially Airbnb our apartment. Carls found her online, and gave no warning of her arrival. I found her creeping outside our front door one afternoon. ShayBayBay and I spent our days with Laura in a state of shock and confusion. We don't see her much, but when we do, it's weird.

ShayBayBay leaves. Her sister Sassy A moves in. We both are still confused, but know Laura is leaving soon. Sassy A and I bond over The Bachelorette and our shitty jobs/managers.

Sweaty Subletter moves in. We are more confused than we were with Laura. Sweaty Subletter is sober and super sweaty. He attended our school, but left in the middle of sophomore year. Sassy A knew him when he was here, because they would have been in the same graduating class. We don't understand why he decided to come back, or why his parents thought it was a good idea. I hide alcohol in the house to make him more comfortable. He drops one of his two summer classes. He watches The Bachelorette with us and our friends.

Kate The Hermit arrives. She is very overweight and unfriendly. She cooks dinner in the microwave and locks herself in her room. She doesn't come out to brush her teeth or pee. We are all dually grossed out and impressed by her bladder. The Hermit is here doing her "clinicals." Her mother told me this in a way like I should have known. Her place of work is far away, and Sassy A and I don't know why she wants to live here. She never says "hi." I decide to give up being nice and don't speak to her as she prepares her concoction of featuring off-brand shredded cheese and sour cream. The Hermit has friends in town for a few days and all 8 of them drank daiquiris in her room with the door closed. They all appear nerdy and never introduce themselves. Hermit and her friends are quite possibly the most boring and impolite people I've ever met. In The Hermit's final days, she actually sat on the couch and watched TV like a normal person.

Sweaty Subletter is still sweaty. But Sassy A and I appreciate his friendliness. He means well, but can be overly-nice sometimes. He bakes subpar treats, which we don't eat. He bangs one of Sassy's friends. We are confused about the attraction, because sweat and bald and socially awkward and sober. I mean I want to be able to drink with a guy I'm into, but maybe I just really like wine.

This is my house for the fall semester. I was supposed to live with two Spanish girls studying abroad here, but that fell through. They flipped out when ShayBayBay found Mr. Law School as a subletter. They did not want to live with a boy. So, Sweaty Subletter was supposed to move out, but is still living in Caro's room. The Foreigner was a last minute edition. Mr. Law is in ShayBayBay's room and is a 3rd year law student. He is bald and has tattoos. He is nice and smart and will be studying a lot. The Foreigner is in Carls's room. He is very tall and from Copenhagen and has blonde hair that he frequently puts in a ponytail. He is cute in a foreign way.

If you look closely at this picture, you can see me, not giving a fuck. I no longer care who enters my home. Hell, I could room with Satan at this point. I've drawn myself shrugging, deciding to treat this semester as a learning experience. I raise my arms, and my XL t-shirt and its baggy sleeves gives my wings, like a sugar glider.

My name is Slagzy, and I am quite possibly too low maintenance. I am a pimp, living with three men. I will continue to watch TV without pants.

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