"I have work. Then a dinner thing, and then I am busy trying to become who I am." - Hannah, Girls

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

I made myself a cake and blew out my candles alone

...and I don't even think that's sad.

In fact, I think making myself a cake and celebrating 20 years alone was the best thing I could've done for myself. 

I have a hard time with food. I get nervous when I eat out. I can't justify buying certain "unhealthy" foods at the grocery store. Buying the ingredients for a cake (especially after not working out) was an act of defiance. 

I could have easily made a batch of some kind of vegan-oatmeal-almond-butter-stevia-flourless-eggless cookies and felt less anxious. But no, that's not how I should honor my 2 decades on this earth. It's not how my mom would want it. And deep down, I knew I wanted a cake. 

I wanted a super dense, rich, and cold chocolate fudge cake with salted caramel. It took me all day. And when I was done, I was proud of myself. 

I'm proud because I broke in my new Kitchen Aid mixer. I'm proud because I'm learning to cook and bake on my own. I'm proud because I treated myself. And mostly, I'm proud because no one made me do any of these things. 

No one sliced me a piece of a store bought cake and said "enjoy." No one told me they loved me and were excited to see what I do in my 3rd decade of life. I did all of these things myself.

I took a fork directly to my cake at 1am. I allowed myself to. I felt good about it. I went to bed with a thankful stomach. I told myself that I'm pretty great as I turned out the lights. I'm doing the best that I can. And I'm me. That's all I need.

I deserve to be happy when I think back on my 20 years and on the years ahead. I deserve to buy my own candles, light the candles, turn out the lights, make a wish, and blow them out. I deserve to celebrate myself.

I labored on a cake all day and had party all to myself that night. It may seem pointless. But it was one of the most purposeful days I've had in a long time.

I can't think of a better way to start off the final countdown to 21. 


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