"I have work. Then a dinner thing, and then I am busy trying to become who I am." - Hannah, Girls

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

On Crying

Driving home from work the other night I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie (my favorite band of all time). Singing along to "Passenger Seat" with no one in my actual passenger seat is ironic, sure. Picture me laughing alone to myself about my song choice. Then picture me wanting to cry about my song choice.

No one was sitting in my passenger seat. No one should have been, I was just going home from work to fall into my bed as soon as I got there. Still, I wished that someone had in my car with me. That made me upset, but I didn't cry.

I kept singing and driving. I turned the volume up so loud to drown out my thoughts. But I proceeded to get more upset. I didn't have a specific person I wanted to be there with me. I really wanted to cry, but I didn't.

By the time I was turning onto my street, I was shouting the lyrics, gripping the steering whell, and getting extremely upset because I was trying to cry. I was really really trying to cry, and I couldn't.

At this point, I had forgotten about the song. I just wanted so badly to cry about my inability to cry. That desire alone is absurd, and made me feel dumb. So I wanted to cry about how ridiculous I was being, and (you guessed it) I still couldn't cry.

I've noticed in the past year or so that I have a hard time crying. Even at times when I should be balling, I can't. I find myself forcing myself to cry--it doesn't come naturally anymore.

It's like my tear ducts are malfunctioning. My body refuses to shed any tears--it's way of telling me that I really shouldn't be sad about my life. My mind and body are so out of sync, I want to scream at my organs and tell them to SNAP OUT OF IT.

I used to be able to cry on command. I could do it for entertainment's sake or to prove how green my eyes can get when I tear up.

I want so badly to see the whites of my eyes red and irritated. I want to see my irises shine hues of amber. I want my face to be puffy and swollen. I want someone to ask me, "Have you been crying?" and for me to respond, "Why yes I have been! Impressive, right?"

In the past 12 months, I've changed. I made strides in areas of my life, but simultaneously shrunk in others. I gained endurance, strength, and discipline and lost emotion. I don't feel as funny. I don't feel as happy. I feel sad, but I can't express it, so am I really sad? Laughs aren't genuine, and I can't remember the last time I cried.

I'm just waiting for something to happen. Something that will make me sob until my head hurts and laugh until my stomach bursts.

1 comment:

  1. It's odd that you've written this - while watching a movie the other evening I realised the opposite has been happening to me. I'm not sure if it's connected with empathy (with me), or what - but lately I have been able to read about pretty much anything heartfelt, and have to stop myself...