No one was sitting in my passenger seat. No one should have been, I was just going home from work to fall into my bed as soon as I got there. Still, I wished that someone had in my car with me. That made me upset, but I didn't cry.
I kept singing and driving. I turned the volume up so loud to drown out my thoughts. But I proceeded to get more upset. I didn't have a specific person I wanted to be there with me. I really wanted to cry, but I didn't.
By the time I was turning onto my street, I was shouting the lyrics, gripping the steering whell, and getting extremely upset because I was trying to cry. I was really really trying to cry, and I couldn't.
At this point, I had forgotten about the song. I just wanted so badly to cry about my inability to cry. That desire alone is absurd, and made me feel dumb. So I wanted to cry about how ridiculous I was being, and (you guessed it) I still couldn't cry.
I've noticed in the past year or so that I have a hard time crying. Even at times when I should be balling, I can't. I find myself forcing myself to cry--it doesn't come naturally anymore.
It's like my tear ducts are malfunctioning. My body refuses to shed any tears--it's way of telling me that I really shouldn't be sad about my life. My mind and body are so out of sync, I want to scream at my organs and tell them to SNAP OUT OF IT.
I used to be able to cry on command. I could do it for entertainment's sake or to prove how green my eyes can get when I tear up.
I want so badly to see the whites of my eyes red and irritated. I want to see my irises shine hues of amber. I want my face to be puffy and swollen. I want someone to ask me, "Have you been crying?" and for me to respond, "Why yes I have been! Impressive, right?"
In the past 12 months, I've changed. I made strides in areas of my life, but simultaneously shrunk in others. I gained endurance, strength, and discipline and lost emotion. I don't feel as funny. I don't feel as happy. I feel sad, but I can't express it, so am I really sad? Laughs aren't genuine, and I can't remember the last time I cried.
I'm just waiting for something to happen. Something that will make me sob until my head hurts and laugh until my stomach bursts.